White Flag Burning

My sense of entitlement-

Disrespectful

Childish

Irresponsible

An embarrassment

Naïve

Selfish

Unforgiving

Miserable

Exhausting

Self-Centered

Etc., Etc., Etc.

……..

Her words were not all that original; she has said them many times before. Indeed for the last 3 months or so she has single handily waged her war of ugly words against me- every attack coming out of the blue so to speak.

Last night I think she won.

I have nothing left for her to break; I have no fight left.

I ache all over almost as if she had beaten me with her bare hands.

I almost wish that that were the case because in some strange way I could deal with that- I could make sense out of that-

But this, I cannot make sense of this. It lacks any kind of reason or understanding.

My whole life I have tried to be whatever it is that she wanted me to be- the perfect daughter-

But I am not perfect and my flaws are written all over me.

And even if I didn’t see them for myself, she never fails to remind of their presence.

And I don’t know how to stand up underneath the weight of it anymore.

I don’t know how to absorb her attacks and then accept her cardboard apologies and pretend that nothing happened- it’s too much.

And maybe if I draw the line in the sand now we might have a fighting chance one day of healing this brokenness.

I hope so.

But for now this is my white flag burning.

I am done with the war.

It was never my war anyway.

And it isn’t a war worth sacrificing myself for-

But it aches- my heart- my body- my soul.

And I wish that I could make sense of this- I wish that I could understand it even in the smallest of ways so that I could fight back- or at least fight for resolution.

But I’m tired now.

And I am broken.

So maybe all I have now is my white flag and no surrender in the terms that she would seek- maybe just a white flag burning.

"White Flag Burning" 

This is my white flag burning

This is the last bruise I’ll hide

This is the last bone broken

I’m tired of these conversations

Of the way my words are never right

And I know what you think of me

You never shut up

You never stop pushing that line

So take your last I’m sorry and soak it up in gasoline

I’ve got the match in my hands

And there’s nothing left to say-

My gratitude is lacking

And why the fuck can’t I just grow up

And why the fuck can’t I just be happy

And why am I stuck in my own mess

And where the hell is my life going

And let’s not forget about respect-

Well, this is my white flag burning

There’s no breath left inside

No more words to try and salvage this wreckage

No more make-believe moments to color in the lines

No more miserable attempts to try and try and try-

And I wish you well, I wish you well

All the things you want

I hope the sky is blue over your head

And the grass green beneath your feet

But I am not immune to you

And this is the last bruise that I’ll hide

And this is the last bone that you’ll break in me tonight

So take your apologies and soak them up in gasoline

I’ve got the match inside my hands

And this is my white flag burning

And I have no more words

And I love you

But I’m not immune to your sticks and stones

And I’m tired of the way everything I am is wrong-

And I hope that the sky over your head is blue

And the grass green beneath your feet

And I hope that the silence serves you well

And I hope that maybe in the rearview you’ll see something other than

What you think of me

And I know what you think of me

You never shut up, you never shut up

And you never stop pushing that line

But this is my white flag burning

This is my line in the sand

So take your words and your apologies

And bath them in gasoline

And let burn to the ground

And let them burn

And let them burn

Because this is the last bruise that I’ll hide

This is last bone broken

And all this time I was fighting for something

Guess I’m not sure what the hell I was ever really fighting for

Because I know what you think of me

And I don’t want to carry that weight anymore

And I love you

I hope the silence serves you well

Maybe I’ll send a postcard

Maybe I’ll send a postcard

And this is my white flag burning

And this is my white flag burning~

-jnq '11-