Things That Go Bump In The Night

It has very much been a season of things that go bump in the night for me. I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in over two weeks- The familiar ghosts are back; those strange and chaotic shadows, the wrestles stirring of nightmares that have never found any kind of solid resolve or peace.

A stepfather, a babysitter, and a Jell-O shot laced with Rohyphnol; The parts of the story that I rarely ever speak out loud- the damage that lives deep underneath the surface- the fear that breathes into my veins whenever I am left feeling exposed or vulnerable, these are the things that go bump in the night for me.

The struggle to put these things back into their proper place or at least push them back down into their respective corners- it is exhausting and I am tired- that bone-deep kind of tired. So where is my white flag tonight and do I have enough strength to wave it? And even if I waved that white flag, what kind of surrender am I am offering? What kind of rescue would be waiting? So many questions and hell if I know where to find the answers-

My head is full of complicated thoughts.  (Am I even allowed to wear a white dress on my wedding day?)

And complex arguments- (If I was drinking and dancing- and drinking- than maybe I did ask for it?)

 And concrete lies- (I am damaged beyond repair and no one will ever love me.)

And chaotic images- (….)

And in this season of things that go bump in the night- it seems as if in my waking hours it is all I can think about.

And it breaks my heart that I have been reduced to this girl who cannot look at herself in the mirror and see beauty because all she sees in the damage that has been done and the wreckage that remains.

A stepfather, a babysitter, and a Jell-O shot laced with Rohyhpnol- just like thieves they have stolen from me; My innocence, my trust, my white dress, my perception of beauty, my sanity, my heart, and even at times my soul. I wonder if they can justify the cost? I wonder if I will ever stop paying it?

The hour is growing late but I know well enough that there will be no rest for me tonight. I dearly hope that this season will soon pass. I dearly hope that as the time lapses between the seasons, I will learn how to make a little more peace with these things that go bump in the night-

For now as I am sitting here wide-awake and craving solace, I will close with this:

“Sometimes it’s what you don’t say that makes all the difference; Sometimes you find your own way without interference; It’s not all darkness and it’s not all light; You don’t have to fix this just sit with me tonight.” (-Garrison Starr)